When Trust Fails in the Coaching Relationship
- Dr. Dawn
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
Agreements, Consent, and the Quiet Ways Safety Is Lost
Trust is the invisible architecture of the coaching relationship. When it is strong, coaching feels spacious, courageous, and alive. When it weakens—even subtly—the work may continue, but its depth and integrity quietly erode.
The International Coaching Federation (ICF) places Cultivating Trust & Safety and Establishing and Maintaining Agreements at the center of professional coaching for a reason. These competencies do not merely support the coaching process—they shape it. When trust fails or agreements are not honored, coaching loses its ethical and relational footing.
This article explores what it truly means to build trust in coaching, how agreements guide the work without becoming rigid, and what happens when trust is breached—especially through a phenomenon that often goes unnamed: silent withdrawal of the agreement. For this discussion, "silent withdrawal” is used as a descriptive term for a commonly observed yet often unspoken dynamic in coaching relationships.
Trust Is Not a Feeling—It Is a Practice
In coaching, trust is not established once and then “owned.” It is continually co‑created. The ICF defines cultivating trust and safety as partnering with the client to create a supportive environment that allows them to share freely, while maintaining mutual respect, transparency, and ethical responsibility (International Coaching Federation [ICF], 2025a).
Research on coaching relationships shows that when trust is present, clients are more willing to take interpersonal risks—naming fears, challenging assumptions, and experimenting with change. When trust is absent, the nervous system shifts into self‑protection, narrowing curiosity and learning (de Haan, 2017; The Academies, 2026).
Trust, then, is less about comfort and more about psychological safety: the confidence that the coaching space can hold honesty, challenge, and uncertainty without harm.
The Coaching Agreement: A Living Container
The coaching agreement is often misunderstood as a formality—a contract signed and filed away. In reality, it is a living relational container that supports trust, clarity, and consent throughout the engagement.
ICF ethics require coaches to clearly establish and maintain agreements that define roles, responsibilities, confidentiality, boundaries, and expectations—and to revisit those agreements when circumstances change (ICF, 2025b). Far from being rigid, agreements create freedom. They answer essential questions for both parties:
What are we here to do together?
How will we work?
What happens if something shifts?
When agreements are treated as static, they lose relevance. When they are treated as living beings, they become anchors—especially when trust is strained.
When Trust Is Breached
Trust can be breached loudly or quietly. Obvious breaches—such as confidentiality violations or boundary crossings—are easier to identify. More commonly, trust erodes subtly: through inconsistency, avoidance, unspoken expectations, or unnamed frustration.
Research suggests that clients continually assess whether sufficient trust exists to remain open. When there is not, they may continue to show up but withhold honesty, energy, or commitment (Stokes & Whyley, 2025). Coaches, too, may respond by over‑directing, disengaging emotionally, or avoiding difficult conversations.
In these moments, the coaching relationship may appear intact, but consent and safety have already shifted.
Silent Withdrawal of the Agreement
One of the least discussed—and most damaging—patterns in coaching is silent withdrawal.
Silent withdrawal occurs when either the coach or the client internally withdraws consent to uphold the agreement without naming it. The client may disengage from goals they no longer believe in. The coach may stop challenging patterns they no longer feel invited to address. Sessions continue, but alignment does not.
Ethics literature emphasizes that consent is not a one‑time event; it is ongoing and relational (Dahal, 2024). When consent changes but remains unspoken, both parties operate under false assumptions—and trust and safety are compromised for everyone involved.
Three Coaching Session Snapshots
1. The Client Quietly Withdraws
A client agrees to establish boundaries at work. Over several sessions, they arrive having taken no action and redirect the conversation to venting. The agreement is never referenced. What’s happening: The client has silently withdrawn consent from the original focus.
Trust impact: Frustration builds, and the coaching loses direction.
2. The Coach Holds the Agreement
A client repeatedly introduces new topics that are unrelated to the agreed-upon goal. The coach pauses and asks, “Before we continue, can we check whether our original focus still serves you?”What’s happening: The coach names the shift and invites conscious choice.
Trust impact: Safety is strengthened through transparency, and the agreement is either recommitted to or revised.
NOTE: When it's unclear whether the client has withheld consent (Silent or Unnamed Consent), this can be misleading and lead to communication breakdowns and misunderstandings. This eventually erodes trust and safety and leads to blame.
3. Mutual Drift
The coach avoids challenging inconsistencies to “keep things comfortable.” The client avoids vulnerability to avoid discomfort. Sessions feel pleasant but flat. What’s happening: Both parties have silently withdrawn from the depths of the agreement.
Trust impact: Coaching continues in form, but not in substance.
What To Do When Trust or Agreements Break
When trust or safety feels compromised, the answer is rarely to push forward harder. Instead, it is to pause and return to the relationship itself.
Here are seven practices for coaches and clients alike:
Name what you notice early. Silence amplifies mistrust; transparency restores it.
Revisit the written and verbal agreement explicitly. Use it as a shared reference point.
Check for ongoing consent. Goals, capacity, and readiness change—and that is ethical data.
Normalize renegotiation. Shifts are not failures; they are part of honest engagement.
Distinguish safety from comfort. Trust supports challenge, not avoidance.
Use supervision or peer reflection. Coaches are participants in trust dynamics, not observers.
Be willing to pause, adjust, or end the engagement. Ending or amending the agreements ethically can preserve dignity and trust.
Why Agreements Matter—Especially When Things Change
The coaching agreement exists to protect clarity, consent, and shared responsibility—not to constrain growth. It helps both coach and client know their roles, set expectations, and navigate change with integrity.
When something no longer fits, the most trust‑building move is not silence—it is conversation. And, it's not blaming each other for the changes.
Trust in coaching is not preserved by avoiding discomfort. It is preserved by naming what is true, together.
References
de Haan, E. (2017). Large‑scale survey of trust and safety in coaching supervision. http://www.erikdehaan.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/de-Haan.pdf
Dahal, B. (2024). Participants’ right to withdraw from research: Ethics of withdrawal. Journal of Academic Ethics, 22, 191–209. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10805-024-09513-y
International Coaching Federation. (2025a). ICF core competencies. https://coachingfederation.org/credentialing/coaching-competencies/icf-core-competencies/
International Coaching Federation. (2025b). Ethical insights and considerations. https://coachingfederation.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/icf-ethics-ethical-insights-and-considerations.pdf
Stokes, P., & Whyley, C. (2025). Trust issues: Overcoming psychological barriers to effective coaching. Coaching Perspectives. https://shura.shu.ac.uk/34776/
The Academies. (2026). The neuroscience behind ICF core competency #4. https://www.theacademies.com/the-neuroscience-behind-icf-core-competency-4
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